Saturday, 11 November 2017

Let Me Tell You A Little Secret...

Being a writer sucks sometimes.
Okay, maybe that's not much of a secret. 
I'm pretty sure that every writer, at some point or another, has ranted about how much it sucks to be a writer.
Don't get me wrong, it's awesome creating something from nothing. I imagine that being able to do this for a living would be an absolute privilege.

But I don't do this for a living. 
I do this because I enjoy it - usually - and it's a dream of mine to one day do this for a living. 

However, on days like today, I doubt I'll ever be in a position to do this for a living. In fact, I doubt I'll ever be able to 'do this' at all.

Today, I spent my day staring at a blank word document.
I had it open all day. 
I barely left my laptop... But I couldn't get any bloody words out. 
I'd type a word. Or a sentence. Then I'd delete the word or the sentence. 
I just couldn't translate the thoughts in my head into words!

I've always doubted myself as a writer. 
In fact, just calling myself a writer is bloody terrifying. 
I feel unworthy of the designation. 
An imposter trying to steal the crown without having any claim on it but I write therefore a writer is what I am.
That's why today was particularly difficult... Because I couldn't write. 

I wasted an entire day trying to force something that didn't want to happen. I broke my belief in myself, in my story and made the fleeting highs disappear under the crushing weight of the lowest of lows. 
I know this will pass. 
I know tomorrow, or the next day, or maybe the next, I'll be back writing - hell I'm writing this now! - and my little world of dreams will right itself but until then it royally sucks being a writer.

Right now, it feels like I'll never finish a book. 
Never publish a book. 
Never achieve anything I dream of achieving. 
And that's hard. 
But it's at this point that it is SO important that I don't give up.

I have enough wisdom to know this much... But it doesn't mean that it doesn't suck. 

So now I've had my melancholy rant, and closed the blank word document, I'm off to watch a Christmas movie - yep a Christmas movie in November #sorrynotsorry - and I'm going to ignore the snarky, bitchy, part of my brain that's trying to hold me down and tomorrow... Well, tomorrow, I'm going to defy gravity.
Or something like that.

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