Saturday, 23 September 2017

From Sorcha to Myself...

The problem I have with writing is that I want to do everything NOW!
I want to write all the ideas now.
I want the words to magically write themselves.
I want to be ‘successful’, whatever the hell that means, for I still haven't worked out what I'd class as successful!
I want to have invested and loyal readers for my work.
I want everything I dream about... But, you see, there is a problem. 
Writing doesn’t work like that. 
Nothing in life works like that! 

A couple of years ago, I wrote a novella - Something Wicked - and published the novella under the pseudonym, Sorcha McInnes and I thought it was the beginning of my writing career and the truth is, it wasn't. 
Or maybe it could have been but I was an idiot and I had issues.
I didn’t follow the novella up quickly enough with subsequent books; Something Wicked was supposed to be part one of a three novella trilogy. I had a serious identity crisis, couldn’t overcome impostor syndrome, or get out of my own way, and generally made a complete fuck up of everything resulting in me deciding that my ‘career’ was over.
What a twat I was.
I fought back against the defeatist side of myself. I had numerous attempts to ‘resurrect’ my pseudonym, finish the novellas and 're-launch' myself but every single time I failed.

When I chose the pseudonym Sorcha McInnes I plucked the name out of thin air. It had no connection to me, my family or my personal history. It quickly felt fake and I hate being fake. I think that the name amplified the feelings of being an impostor in the world of writing and contributed to my crash and burn. The name, to me, became associated with failure. 

Sorcha had to die. She needed to die for my sanity, but my dream didn't.

I decided I'd try again, but this time I'd just be myself. However, I still needed a pseudonym because of my day job; Which I won't go into here. But what name could I use that was mine but not mine? I went back and forth for a while and settled on Emery Nicolson because it IS my name, just not quite how it is written, and therefore IS me and doesn't feel wrong. 

Once my identity crisis was put to bed - and GOD it took a long time to do that, I've overly simplified it here - I needed to start writing again. I had so many false starts. So many "I'm going to try that 100 days thing" and so many missed personal deadlines as I try to figure out who I am as a writer. 

It's hard when you just want to get moving in pursuit of the career you dream of and you feel like you're not getting anywhere because you haven't finished or published yet. The urge to rush constantly rides you but the simple fact is, I don't want to publish something I'm not proud of. I don't want to rush out something that could be so much better if I took more time over it. I DO want to hit publish and I want to scream I'm an author but I need to be smart but first I need to put something to bed.

I need to finish Something Wicked before I can move on with the new. 
So, that's what I'm going to do. 
My next post is on my plans for that...

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